8 Things filling me up

I've been following a blogging world full of creative spirits for a couple years now but it's been the last two years that I've really turned to this. And while I started out as a mommy blogger, unintentionally, I've long outgrown writing about my children. I thought long and hard about writing about all the artsy stuff I do with them but I knew I wouldn't keep up with that to maintain a following. Please check out my new blog called Live Laugh Write. I will still blog here occasionally.

But I've always written about trying to be creative while being a mother and so being a Creativity Junkie just sort of fits my life. I recently wrote a guest blog post for Magpie Girl and I can't wait to share that with all of you who still read here.

For now, how about I get a little started with this Creativity thing and let you know what's filling me up.

1. Writing. I recently learned a bunch of things were holding me back from writing and one of them was doing too much work writing. Funny how that works. But by letting the words flow, I have been more successful at writing. No more freelancing unless it feels right. No more blogging unless it feels right. I'm just creating now and that totally fills me up.

2. Sunshine. We have a lovely pool at our new house and wow it has transformed our lives taking me back to what it felt like to be a kid again just sunning and swimming all day. We actually stayed home for a whole day yesterday. The sun fills me up so much.

3. Music. I'm experimenting with new tunes on Pandora. I've discovered that I love Indian music. It's crazy but wow it makes me so happy. I also have known that I love Indian food and one of my MONDO BEYONDO dreams is to learn to cook it and then have a dinner party. I've also been experimenting with what music does to my writing.

4. Dreaming. I just love to sit around with a notebook and pen and dream about life. I'm taking Mondo Beyondo and a couple other classes right now that are filling me up with dreams and actions to take those dreams on a journey.

5. My girls. When they are swimming or running in the sunshine and being true little kids, it's the best gift in the world. I see so much of ourselves in them and that is crazy filling.

6. The simple life. Homemade ice cream. Lemonade. Grilling outside. Picking strawberries. Spending time in nature -- deep wood nature. Watching the birds and listening to them.

7. Meditation. Yes. When all else fails, it's all I can do to fill back up.

8. Creative friends. I have a few and am working to build a tribe locally. I have a book club debuting at my house this coming week. I'm excited to release this dream into the world. I also started an art group for the girls to get them building these creative friendships sooner.

To read more *8 Things lists, go here.

Things I love ...

I have virtually no readers left here, which leaves me in a strange place of writing mostly for myself for the first time in a really long time. Perhaps, ever?

Nonetheless, it's still my home and I do plan to redecorate this summer and turn this into something a bit different -- more like a retreat than a blog.

If you are here, thank you. Truly. Thank you for sticking with me all these years.

Here's a list of things I'm loving right now:

Lush grass.
Wide open spaces.
Playtime.
Flowering trees.
Little girls barefoot and bare legged. How did their legs get so cute this winter?
My new turquoise coffee mugs.
Relaxing on the patio under a blanket.
Walking and walking and walking.
Warm rainy nights.
Spring morning symphonies by feathered friends.
Hatching butterflies at home!
Seeing the wonder on my daughters' faces each day at spring's renewal.
Bunnies. Sweet baby bunnies eating forsythia in our yard.
Watching my husband slide down the slide at the playground for no reason other than a laugh
Farmer's market shopping.
Making time for being creative and knowing it's a choice.
Feeling gracious. Finally.
The love of great friends who are and have been carrying me. I am full of love for feeling loved. Finally.

And, above all, finally knowing the very thin, fine line of what I want from my day, how I want to spend it, and with whom -- while staying happy, joyful and within the framework of my values.

Blessed be.

How about you? What do you love? What are you craving?

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Joy is hard when insanely busy

It's a three-day weekend, so I have some "extra" time.

Time.

Since I began working full-time a little more than a year ago I have struggled more with the issue of time than ever. Mostly because of the "time lost" with my girls.

And yet I spend every second with them -- when I'm not working.

When I was home all the time, I felt no guilt leaving a few hours on the weekends or missing a bedtime here and there.

Now. Oh, now. Is it guilt? Is it missing? Is it an emptiness? I have yet to put a finger on what it is that keeps me tethered to them even when I know I should leave, that it would be best for me to leave them.

This Washington Post article impressed me today. I don't know how. Or why. Just that it did. Perhaps knowing that my insane schedule isn't just my inability to plan or organize well enough. I've known for about three months that, if I'm lucky, I get a half hour of quiet time in the morning before the girls wake at 5:55 a.m. And, I "get" another half hour to an hour at night -- after they are asleep -- before I zonk out of pure exhaustion. And, sometimes, all I want to do is sleep with my "spare" time so I'm often found going to bed at 8:30 p.m.

Pathetic.

I have been meditating. And I owe HER for this. I can't give her the credit, though. I have started this on my own, when the time was ripe, when I was ready to just surrender to stillness. I understand, therefore I can.

I have found that it is truly my only real time for me. Not shopping. Not meal planning. Not even the thought of yoga or walking. Just being with myself.

I can't do anything well or right. I sometimes can't do anything at all. But sitting, being quiet, ah ... that I can handle. I can do it in pitch dark first thing in the morning, or at night when the stars are bright. It requires nothing but me and the floor. And, well, a little commitment on my part.

Do the thoughts of the to-do list badger me? Oh yes! Yes! Just this morning, after some sun salutations, my meditation included lots of things that need to get done today -- our last day together before the work-week begins again.

I want to bake with the girls, exercise, unpack a couple mysterious boxes, write out the meals for the week, and tackle two easy art projects -- painting a chalkboard in the kitchen and painting a stool for the girls' newly decorated bedroom.

It's a full life. There is so little time. But, it's all mine and that's why I've chosen to make JOY my word for the year. I have to keep it going. Joy can hardly be found when you're up with a vomiting child in the middle of the night -- such was the case Saturday night.

And yet, here, I am writing this morning. Something's gone right.


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Word of the year: JOY

I'm learning to let go, to delegate to my girls and to be OK with things not perfect. This article spoke to me today. It's old, but it's what I've always been about but just never knew it.

More later on my identity crisis.



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Joy to the World

Dear Joy --

I lost you somewhere along the way. I lost sight of your face and the sound of your laugh. I gave way to the unauthentic kind of happiness that shows up in photographs and videos and blog posts and facebook status updates. I surrender. That joy is lost on me.

But, I am renewed.

I'm determined to find you again, to see your soul and feel your warmth. It might be snuggling with a good book on a Sunday afternoon while the girls sleep and the husband naps and the crockpot makes dinner. It might be dancing the morning away to a CD I love with the girls at my hips, shaking their booty along with me.

It might be dropping everything to just sit and be quiet and still. I think I need this joy most of all. The joy of no obligations, no responsibility, no to-do list and no, above all, NO pressure that I've placed on myself, this day, this moment.

Yes, joy, I'm all yours for the taking and I"m smiling as I tell you this. It's not about the perfect moment-to-be, it's about the moment that is right now here in front of me, at my fingertips, on my lips, whispering in my ears. Now. Now. Now.

I want to be your friend again, Joy. I want to know you like I knew my best friend in high school who I miss dearly. I want to feel your breath on my neck and I want to know that you are squishing deeply between my toes like the sand on the beaches of my youth.

Even as a mother, I must allow you, more than anything else, into my life. I must put you before the meal planning, the 40-hour work week, the gossip of others, the wants and desires of the future I dream of and even before my children on the days they are most cranky.

You are a wish I dream of every moment, of every day and yet I never even knew it. Until now. A little light sparkled in front of me and I followed it and I now realize what has been missing all along.

Joy, stay close. Hold my hand when times are tough. Stick by my side and hold me when I am weak. Hold me up when I am happy, too. You mean the world to me and to my family and I realize that now. My Joy is the difference between a good day and a great one. Why haven't I known this until now?

Whatever, it doesn't matter because I'm letting go of all guilt to make way for more joy. More joy in coffee mugs in the evenings, more joy in a wine glass in the bathub, more joy is cupcakes for breakfast and more joy in prepared foods to carve out more time for joys like writing, and creating, and ... dreaming on the stars.

Welcome, Joy! Welcome home. May you find enough peace here to stay forever.

Love,

Joy-filled.p.s. Happy Everything, everyone! I love you all.

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25 Days of Christmas

Much like last year, we're using our mini stocking advent calendar to fit in some truly fun and memorable activities this holiday season. It makes me realize that I'm a much better mother when I'm organized and full of activities in my pocket ...

This year, still trying to find ways for the girls to not compete against each other while also building their self-esteem, we're doing two activities a day. Each girl pulls a paper from their stocking. They love listening to me read what their activity of the day is and, even more than that, they love doing them. They do everything with such enthusiasm!

Here's the list:

Here's the list real quick.

1.Make list -- sing carols
2.Look for color red -- dance party
3.A joke -- city light up night
4.decorate the doors -- visit santa
5.movie night -- make cookies
6.paint nails red and green -- make gift tags
7.play with cookie cutters -- mail cards (trace cutters, cut out playdoh and paint) we haven't done cards.
8.hang candy canes -- snowscapes with shaving cream
9.find the color green -- camp under the tree
10.drink hot chocolate -- read around the tree
11.count the red lights -- christmas magic
12.family tree activity -- make cards for teachers
13.make homemade gifts -- be an elf for the night
14.Santa's helper/wrap a gift game -- create gift kits
15.make choc. covered pretzels -- make seating cards (this tiny tumbler's and MNO so ... ??)
16.pin the nose on rudolph game --write a Christmas story (and what is left from above)
17.make ornaments/wrap gifts -- red and green snack
18.spa night -- light a candle in memory of dog Prince
19.put on a christmas play -- eat dessert first
20. Create a winter alter -- jingle bell dance around the tree
21. Winter Solstice celebration -- star gaze
22. wear red and green -- eat breakfast for dinner
22.Jingle bells dance -- make sugar cone trees
23. Hand out gifts to teachers -- star watch
24. set out cookies and milk -- sprinkle reindeer food outside




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A mother's brain cracked open

From the Archives of Between the Lines

Motherhood is ...

Wow, they're sleeping in today.
Oh, goodness, the whole day will be ruined because they're sleeping late.
They're crying; they're hungry.
No, they're not hungry.
Yes, they are hungry.
Must fix something healthy.
Nothing easy is healthy.
Who am I kidding? They won't eat anything healthy.
I want them to eat well.
Is it wrong to give them all sweets for breakfast?
Yes, it's wrong.
Let's eat!
Are you done?
Stop playing with your food.
Are you done?
Just take a bite.
Are you done?
I'm not making anything else for you.
Are you done?
We're done. Go play.
Just shoot me now. They never want to eat anything anymore.
Let's go in the playroom.
No, don't take out all of the DVDs.
Let's play with toys.
No, we're not going to jump on the cushions at 7:45 a.m.
What was their father thinking to start this tradition?
They're crying; they're probably hungry.
Try eating something for breakfast next time.
What's wrong?
Are you tired?
Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Are you a Republican?
I'm sorry. I don't understand whining.
I have an idea! Let's go outside.
Yay! We're outside.
No, don't put flowers in your mouth.
No, don't put mulch in your hair.
No, don't throw grass at your Mama.
Hey, let's go inside and see if the mail came?
Let's watch Baby Signing Times!
Let's jump on the cushions!
Let's destroy all the DVDs so long as you aren't crying.
They're crying; are they hungry?
Should I give them a snack?
No. No snack. They must learn to eat at meals.
Aw, but they're hungry.
Aren't they?
I think so.
I don't think so.
Well, it's only 10:30, but let's try having lunch. I think you're hungry.
What? You're not hungry.
How about a nap. I think you need a nap.
Yes, let's take a nap. Shall we?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

This post is in honor of Mamablogga's September writing project.

Now that you have some insight into how my brain works, and how much stress I cause myself, I hereby am taking a much-needed break away from this blog. A week of silence shall prevail here. Please leave me a comment if you participate in this writing project because I will stop by for a visit. Perhaps some solitude will come to my mind in the next several days. If not, our 4-hour drive to the beach and our first night away from home -- and cribs -- should make for some interesting posts next week.

Namaste.