Tonight I will sit in a crowded movie theater reconnecting with that woman I used to be.
Funny how this movie is hitting theaters right around the time I'm preparing for a change in my life.
Funny how life works out, friends keep reminding me.
I don't care how this story ends. I only care about the journey. Will the ending be perfect? Probably not. Life doesn't work that way. I am OK with that, even for myself.
My mind has been spinning lately with worries and anxieties as I prepare mentally, physically and emotionally to return to the working world and leave Jadyn and Liana in the care of others.
So much of this past year and a half has been a blur in that I really truly spent most of it in the trenches of motherhood, barely coming up for air of civility or even adult conversation except for on this blog or on other blogs.
Sure, much of me is still the same as I used to be -- I think. I've barely had time to feel what has changed and what hasn't. Life has been too chaotic to even be able to feel many emotions other than the ones directly related to mothering.
I know I rise early to try and feel organized; that I go to bed late to fit it all in. I write more than ever; fix my hair much less. I am much more patient on one hand and not nearly as patient as I used to be on the other. I want less stuff except for stuff for my daughters and then I can never have enough.
Would I have gone to watch this movie alone five years ago? Hell no. I would have had a gang of girlfriends with me, I'm sure.
That's how much I've changed; that I'm looking forward to sitting in that theater, alone, with no expectations for myself, or for the movie. Just me and my best friends on the big screen chilling, letting our stories unfold one after another. We've been through a lot, these characters and me. I imagine they've changed just as much as I have. Will I see it in the aging wrinkles on their face? Will they be as tired as I am? Probably not.
What I've learned most these last 2.5 years isn't so much how I've changed, but how much more I know about life, human connections and what is truly most important.
And, it ain't books or naps.
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Wednesday, May 28, 2008
And, just who is she now?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Who was that woman?
She collected used books, scoured stores, flea markets and yard sales for the right one to fit onto her many shelves.
She read at least two books a month.
She advocated for the disadvantaged: the working class, African-Americans, immigrants, the homeless, victims of violence.
She cooked gourmet.
She traveled and took day trips.
She wrote on a whim, read half the weekend and took naps.
She slept in; overslept and slept in hotels.
She wasn't organized, rarely cleaned because, frankly, the house never got that dirty.
She entertained, churning up a batch of creme brulee for a small party.
She was up on the latest everything, including politics and music.
She had patience and compassion for people.
She never splurged, but bought nice things for herself often.
She faithfully watched every Sex and the City episode until its end and then started over and over, again.
She cried a couple months when that HBO show ended even though she was 30 years old.
She knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it but rarely did so.
She thought living meant owning nice things.
She exercised, even if that meant walking to and from the office.
She enjoyed cups of freshly brewed coffee while reading that day's newspaper.
She was visible to people who actually cared how she was doing and feeling.
She celebrated birthdays and holidays by doing nothing and being pampered.
She came and went without a thought.
She was lonely.
She cried a lot.
She felt something was missing.
She was always searching for something.
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