Swollen eyes, hurting heart

It's the kind of day that I could easily spend it in bed, under covers, crying. Ask what's wrong and I'll just nod and shew you away.

Everything. Nothing.

It's the kind of day that if I weren't a mother in charge of two human beings I would take a long drive -- to the beach, maybe -- and sulk in the wonders of nature.

All of it.

It's the kind of day I want to give up, pack up bags and go away and forget people's names and faces.

Including my own.

It's the kind of day when I feel paper-thin, fragile, so transparent that I'm invisible to the naked eye.

But no one is watching.

It's the kind of day when I feel like I could stop breathing and no one would know.

The phone never rings. The door never knocks.

It's the kind of day when everything is dark. And I'm not home. And, I'm tired.

So very tired.

I've been here before. I will bounce back. I have before.

But, a little Between the Lines hiatus is in order. Will be back next week sometime.

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You may find me elsewhere

I'm excited to announce that I'll be posting each Thursday on the topic of twins on the fairly new and very good multiple moms blog, How Do You Do it?. Please check it out, especially if you have twins. Because many of my readers are not twin moms, I don't always talk about the twin aspect of mothering on this blog so this will a fun adventure for me. Plus, it will help me continue my quest in writing a book about raising twins that is already under way.

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The Mom I am Not

I am not an amusement park Mama. My mother wasn't and since I wasn't big on those kinds of parks as a kid either, it's no wonder that I am not cut out for them as the mother of two toddlers.

And yet ... and yet two Sundays ago I was one for one day.

Read that story and a review of Sesame Place here.


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Letter to my Daughters

Dear Jadyn and Liana:

I'm glad you were sleeping Saturday afternoon. I'm glad your little eyes were closed shut and your breathing was slow and deep and restful. I'm glad.

Because just one floor below, I couldn't keep it together. As Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke about being a woman, who ran for president, and lost the bid and cracking the glass ceiling, I was a blubbering mess.

Because of you.

It stopped being about me long ago.

All too soon you will learn what it is like to walk around this country -- this earth -- as a young woman. This is no small endeavor. There will be obstacles. You will find yourself in predicaments. You must be smart.

We must stick together. We must stand up for each other. We must try and stick together. We must cheer for each other.

And, strong women, my girls, stand alone. You must know this. You must be prepared. You must stand strong. And never falter. Ever.

Mrs. Clinton said it best:

Now, on a personal note, when I was asked what it means to be a woman running for president, I always gave the same answer, that I was proud to be running as a woman, but I was running because I thought I'd be the best president. But...

But I am a woman and, like millions of women, I know there are still barriers and biases out there, often unconscious, and I want to build an America that respects and embraces the potential of every last one of us.

I ran as a daughter who benefited from opportunities my mother never dreamed of. I ran as a mother who worries about my daughter's future and a mother who wants to leave all children brighter tomorrows.

To build that future I see, we must make sure that women and men alike understand the struggles of their grandmothers and their mothers, and that women enjoy equal opportunities, equal pay, and equal respect.

Let us ... Let us resolve and work toward achieving very simple propositions: There are no acceptable limits, and there are no acceptable prejudices in the 21st century in our country.

You can be so proud that, from now on, it will be unremarkable for a woman to win primary state victories ... unremarkable to have a woman in a close race to be our nominee, unremarkable to think that a woman can be the president of the United States. And that is truly remarkable, my friends.

To those who are disappointed that we couldn't go all of the way, especially the young people who put so much into this campaign, it would break my heart if, in falling short of my goal, I in any way discouraged any of you from pursuing yours.

Always aim high, work hard and care deeply about what you believe in. And, when you stumble, keep faith. And, when you're knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you can't or shouldn't go on.

As we gather here today in this historic, magnificent building, the 50th woman to leave this Earth is orbiting overhead. If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House.

Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it's got about 18 million cracks in it ... and the light is shining through like never before, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be a little easier next time.

This is not the scrapbook I wanted to keep for you, dear daughters. But, nonetheless, you will have a scrapbook from this very historic election. Just be sure that it will include a little more than his-story. Her-story will be equally covered.

And, I hope it all leads to your own stories to cherish forever.

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Go ahead, love your library

Love books? No money? No time?
Check out this latest post on The Chunky Purse.

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Settling in to life

I've been a full-time mom for a week now. I have no other purpose in life besides that job. Well, no other paying purpose, I should clarify.

It's both scary and exciting all at once, knowing that my time is (somewhat) mine again -- at least naps are, knowing that I can stay on the Internet and surf around for fun, and not feel any guilt.

I do feel a bit guilty about not picking up in the housekeeping department, but I'm giving myself a full week to just splurge with my time. And since I'm not very good at staying still that now means I have taken on a house project (or two) this week.

I have been giving a lot of thought to what makes a house a home and the thought of nesting. It could be that I've been watching too much HGTV, again. But, after picking a very wrong agent to sell our house, taking a job that will be just down the street and knowing that a change may be coming down the pike for my better half, we have taken our house off the market to let life settle. It's a decision that is both comforting and disappointing. The upside, because there always is one in most situations, is that I'm free to decorate, again. There are so many ideas spinning in my head -- none of which are even feasible since we will be selling this house one way or another.

So now with a little extra time since the girls are easier to deal with, and come August a little extra money ... what makes a home? Here's my list so far. Please feel free to add to it with your own thoughts.

1. Textures: I love seeing fabrics, metal and wood in a room. Rustic. Woodsy. Soft, like wrapping in a blanket. I'd like to incorporate more of this into our living spaces in the next few months. Bella's talked a lot about her home, and blankets.
   
2. Colors: Personal colors, vivid, earthy colors. I have a very strong lean toward oranges and browns. I'm going to do our kitchen in various brownish reds. It's partly there. In fact, I might be spending a great chunk of summer tearing down wallpaper and painting the four rooms left bearing the old stuff.
   
3. Creative spaces: I think our house has great flow, but there is a creative block I am sure. I am no feng shui expert, but I know how I feel. That said, we need more visuals on the walls that inspire more than the desire to head to the local art store.
   
4. Plenty of light, but privacy, too: This is a hard one to achieve in the city. I think our house has a good amount of light and privacy -- at least the inside does. But, I could do better with some of the window treatments and that is a goal of mine. Good, beautiful shades or curtains in all the rooms. I, personally, also feel that good blinds or shutters add to a home. Not sure this is in the cards for this old house.
5. A place to gather: We do not really have this space. I've never really had this space so I guess it's no big loss. Our backyard is about the best we have for a group to sit around and chat. I've worked on our living room being this central point but I'm not sure it's working.

Tip of the day: Twin toddlers make great wallpaper removers. Free workers except they ask for a lot of juice and Cheerios in return.


How about you? What makes your home?



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What's that chirping sound?

As I make my way toward this whole working thing, I'm still trying to figure out how this blog will fit into that new life of mine, or how that new life of mine will fit into my blog. My silence about the new gig -- which does not start until late August -- is definitely intentional.

I have privacy issues to consider -- both my family's as well as myself since it's a more public job. I'm used to public jobs, but I haven't had one in a while. Not that any of you would sabotage my career! I'm thinking more on a local level.

So, one of my thoughts is to move to the Twitter medium. I've been practicing and I'd like you to join me. I will be focused a lot on the mental anguish over everything from picking out something to wear to work (always dreadful) to leaving the girls at the door of day care and crying about it.

I'll still blog, of course, but it will not be as frequently, I'm sure.

If you haven't checked out Twitter, it's the new best thing and it's growing on me. But, I need followers or I feel like I'm talking to myself out there.

Before you get on your soap box, consider these facts: Twitter takes five minutes tops to update, less time than that to read what your favorite mom bloggers or friends are talking about and makes responding and commenting easier than ever. There are some downsides as well but you'll figure those out for yourselves.

So, sign up and start following my random thoughts of the day here.

Better yet, start tweeting yourself and let me know so I can follow you, too.

EDITED TO ADD: If you need a quick lesson in brevity in your writing, Twitter is the bomb for that. It teaches you to say volumes in just 140 characters -- that includes spaces, punctuation and words, of course. It's a great writer's lesson every time you Tweet.


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