Two years ago ...

This was my life:






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Birthday wishes

Dear Jadyn and Liana:

As I write this, you are fast asleep after another long, long day of being 1. But, just a few hours after you wake in the morning, you will soon turn 2. Having zero experience with twin 2-year-olds, I am not sure what to expect. I mean, I've heard both that it's a very hard age and that it's not too bad. Either way, I am prepared -- prepared to just sit back and watch you continue your quest to learn -- and turn -- the world inside out.



Jadyn: You continue to be my easy-going girl, though, lately have become a bit attached to my hip. I adore these cuddle sessions most of the time, but you and I both know that your sister needs some Mama time throughout the day.

If knowledge is power then you are going to be one very powerful little girl. You seem to know everything, including things we didn't teach you. You are now repeating nearly everything -- gasp! -- said aloud in your midst. One of your favorite words is butt. I think you say it, at times, 20 times in a row. It is a funny sounding word, though. You also say all gone and awesome, which both sound the same and so I have to listen carefully for the context.

You are very social, too. You think nothing of holding your arms out to a room of children and adults for hugs. You are strong and adventurous, too.

Liana: Is it safe to call you a Mama's girl even though we fight so much? You couldn't be more strong-headed, strong-willed and stubborn and while those traits frustrated me, I understand them immensely. You are not afraid to speak your mind and I know this will land you in some trouble some day. But, you have persistence and I find that to be a key to success.

You are a very thoughtful girl, too. Just this week, at our library playgroup, you experienced playing a real drum and thought it was a wonderful thing to do. So, you ran across the large room and grabbed your sister, who was coloring, and pushed her toward the drum to experience the fun. She indulged your wish. There have been other times, too, when you have shown empathy toward her when she is upset and crying or hurt.



You say many things just like Jadyn, but my favorite word is bonkey. I think you mean blanket, though I know I've heard you use this word in other circumstances. You are a bit more restrained in the outgoing department and then do stand back from other kids when it's time to play. But, you do watch and share and try to get along with others.



The two of you are so lucky to have each other and I see that special bond forming. Honestly, I am envious of it. I hope that your father and I can continue to show you the importance of family and being supportive to each other even as you grow up and lead separate lives. I hope that we can prove early that you have to nurture that sisterly bond your whole life. While being twins is certainly not that rare anymore, it is still very special.

Today, you will open your first present: a playhouse. I hope you create lots of special memories hanging out in it over the next few years. Please do not fight in it. Or over it. Or about it.

In fact, please do not fight at all. It makes me very sad. (and frustrated)

Tomorrow, you will open your second present: An easel. You both love to color and I hope this will inspire you to find your inner artists and create beautiful pieces of art.



Love,

Mama


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The Rising

This Friday, around 2 p.m., I will celebrate being a mom for two years. I am going to throw myself a small party during the girls' nap by watching my favorite TV show and drinking a cup of coffee with my mom's yummy biscotti.

I will spend a great deal of time thinking back over the past 24 months. I started new with practically everything in the last two years. With friends. With family. With socializing. With organization. With writing. With not writing. With living. With sleeping. With not sleeping.

Much like when I was in 7th grade and walked into the middle school gym as a new student, wearing my best jeans and spanking new Reeboks ... I have been awkward since becoming Mama. I've walked with my head low, my shoulders slumped and my hair in disarray.

But something has changed in the last few weeks. Something has changed in me. I am different, but in a good way. I am still Mama. I am still frazzled most of the time. But, I am walking more proudly. I feel lighter. I see more clearly.

I am practicing loving-kindness and not even willfully. It's just happening. Perhaps it is influenced by a wonderful book Dan gave me for Christmas called, "Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday," by Thich Nhat Hanh. Some parts of the book make me laugh out loud because it's very obvious this Zen Master hasn't raised twins. But, in spite of it all, his simple words are transcending me into mindfulness almost naturally. I can only assume it has to do with this book. I may be hooked on his wisdom.

I'm being less hard on myself and have caught myself saying the following to myself in times that might have otherwise left me feeling down (hopping on the scale) or negative (will I ever get to leave the house, again?):

"It will be all right."
"It will happen."
"You'll be OK."

I'm trying to be less hard on others as well. My expectations -- visions, really -- of what this life with children would be like was based on movies and novels, not reality. It has taken two years for me to realize it. I am learning that people give only what they can and I should not expect anything at all.

This inner peace could be happening because I'm waking up and meditating and doing yoga instead of rushing into my to-do lists. Perhaps it's because I've been off caffeine.

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- it's because I'm settling into my role as being a mother. Maybe I have found my voice. My self-confidence.

Maybe, I am a mother, Rising.

It could be, too, that I have found my village and see another on the horizon.

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One flurry; two storms

It's hard to believe that Jadyn and Liana will turn 2 this Friday. I'm truly just settling into Age 1 and now I must prepare for the next storm of growth and development.

Before church this morning, we walked along one of my favorite trails at a local college. Bordered by Weeping Willows, this path follows a quaint little creek. I love it because it's serene but in the middle of an urban area. In other words, we can get a dose of nature without traveling far from home.

In my heels, ready for church, I walked as my daughters ran. Breeze whipped through their hair as the sunlight hit those strands just right. Smiles were everywhere on their faces.

They still toddle when they run. Their feet sway out to the sides as if they aren't bending their knees very far. I still think it's one of the most adorable things they do -- of course, it's always when they are running free and wild and crazy. Times like those I'm hardly needed. Times like those are so very rare as they have both become clingy and attached at all hours of the day and night.

After church service, someone asked us, "So, is it getting any easier?"

The short answer is that it has in a way, but in many ways it's still very hard. It's hard to get up each day knowing that at at least one point in the day two babies are going to want to be held and cuddled and that one will, ultimately, have to be put on hold or told not right now.

My answer to the question, though, is very true.

We're stronger. We have survived. And it has been the hardest, yet most thrilling two years of our lives.

On Saturday, we will celebrate this highest achievement of reaching Age 2.

Cupcake, anyone?

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In a word(s)

Words around here right now are very important. Just today I learned that Jadyn and Liana knew how to say "Wall." As in ... Jay-Jay hit her head on the wall and got a boo-boo. (Not fun for a girl who we suspect is getting an ear infection.)

Each day more and more words come to life and I'm truly flabbergasted with the amount of knowledge Dan and I have taught these future American female leaders. Not just words, but pictures and concepts, too. I guess I hadn't realized kids were this smart at (almost) 2.

Which makes me realize that I need to be on my best behavior ... even when they both cry incessantly like they did this morning.

After gazillions of written drafts in my life, handfuls of jobs, failed relationships, and mountains of mistakes I can truly look into their eyes and see perfection. Finally, I got something right. Finally.

Is it possible to give these girls the world without spoiling them? Without ruining them? Without setting them up for failure? For disappointment?

If 2008 is the Year of the Writing then this year's word has to be even more meaningful. But, surprisingly, it's not going to be about writing at all.

Or, perhaps that isn't surprising. What might be less shocking is that I can't choose just one, but instead, have to have a theme of words.

My words for 2008 (hereby called the Three Cs):

Contentment
Compassion
Creativity



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2008 -- The Year of Writing

2003 -- The Year of the Wedding
2004 -- The year of Infertility
2005 -- The year of Pregnancy
2006 -- The year of Twinfants
2007 -- The year of Staying Home

And now, 2008, the year of writing and becoming a woman, again.

Goals for 2008

Writing

Write 2,000 words a week in my already-started novel. I just want to finish this sucker. It's been on my plate for 10 years. One might say that it wasn't meant to be ... or that if I had it in me to finish, I would have by now. But, I am one to know when something isn't going to work out and I just can't put this away. The timing has never been right ... and it never will be. I know that now. I just have to make it work. I'm not dedicating any time of day or week to write ... only that by Sunday night at 6 p.m. I better have written 2,000 words that week. I will keep a log. Marta is nagging me anyway so unless I want her emails to be moot -- which would be wasting her precious sweet energy -- I better get cracking. Thanks, Marta!

My second goal, related to the first, is to actually write the book proposal. I'd like to make this a goal to meet by Spring so that I can start sending it out ASAP. Plus, I read that writing the proposal is a great way to get the book's outline sealed nice and tight. I think I could use that exercise.

Third goal: One idea and one publication at at a time. I have a tendency to jump in with both feet to everything before checking out the waters first. My head is filled with more ideas than it could ever possibly execute. This is a serious problem for me. It also affects my mothering, my marriage, my inner peace. My mind is seriously like a movie in fast forward. The only thing that helps is meditation and I do not do that nearly enough, though I am making that a goal for this year -- a personal goal. Anyway, by giving myself only a goal of breaking into one national magazine this year (not counting any that I've already broken into), I am alleviating myself of that constant need to find the perfect fit for me. If something comes along and I have the time, the energy and it won't affect my mothering skills, then sure I'll jump on it. I have four magazines with great contacts right now ... my goal is to find that fifth this year -- but only once I've worked hard on the four that I have now. By July, I think I will be ready to start on that fifth one. No pressure before then. After all, my job is to be Mama and that does still come first. But, in the fall the girls will start pre-school, I suppose. That will ideally free up some time to do some writing in the coffee shop down the street, right?

Fourth goal: I've had an idea for an e-zine for months now and I've not done much about it. The topic is very dear to me and while there are some publications out there like it, none are quite the same. So, I am giving myself a goal to start up this ezine this year. It will be free, but with advertising sponsors. And many of you will totally dig it, I'm sure.

Finally, I have a children's books series idea that came to me last spring when I was searching for something to read to Jadyn and Liana. There isn't anything like it on the market -- that I have found -- and I do think it would be popular. My goal here is to write the book proposal since it is less about writing and more about collecting.

Personal goals

I'm quitting coffee. Thanks to a cold I've been off of it now for a week or more. I don't mean none ... I mean I'm not going to only get out of bed to get that first sip anymore. I've known for a while that that addiction is more emotional than needed. Half the time I don't even drink caffeinated. Instead, I want to wake up and do yoga and meditate. I'm going to follow with a nice cup of tea. Then, when my second job starts at nap time, I am allowing myself that nice cup of coffee, which I find helps me get through the afternoon better anyway. By doing this, I think I will save calories, eat a better breakfast and save money. I will be drinking one cup, not two, a day and some days perhaps none at all. We'll see how long this lasts.

I want to drop our grocery, gas and other miscellaneous expenses by 50 percent. I will talk more about this in a future post, but I am doing some serious research in this area and have learned that I have more power than I think over these non-bill areas. It's not a matter of over spending; it's a matter of taking extra steps to buy what you need. This includes living frugally and, as I discovered, frugal doesn't have to mean cheap. Once we move to the new house -- assuming that happens this year -- I will have learned some valuable money-saving techniques from this crisis that will continue to help us finally start to save again.

This is going to be like 2003 for me. It's going to be the year I lost weight. By using Weight Watchers, I lost 45 pounds before our wedding. But, staying home with the girls and not being very active and eating too much (though half the time my lunch is bread crusts and what the girls do not eat), I have gained most of that back. I still cannot afford a health club membership, but I do have videos, including Yoga, Cardio and walking. I hope to buy a yoga and kids DVD this month to get the girls participating because they do love them some Yoga poses. Still, I have to do more than that because I know they will not always give me that daily 20 minutes. My goal is to get up and work out each morning with one of these tapes and then hopefully do yoga once or twice a week with them as well as once on Saturday mornings with my yoga class. In the spring and summer and fall, I walk a lot so I will need to start watching my food intake before then. My goal is to drop 30 pounds by August 18. I will talk more about how I'm doing this for free on my other blog.

Building a budget: One thing about not having any money ... it's really hard to budget. Things pop up and suddenly there's nothing left. The needs pile up on top of one another. Thankfully, I have been earning some income over the last year or else we would have had to foreclose on our mortgage by now. That income has been essential. But, as we start to lower our daily expenses, we are finding a very small amount of wiggle room. That means that each month has to be precisely calculated. No extras -- like that rug I just bought over the weekend -- can be bought. Even if it means a house less than perfect goes on the market once again. The budget must work and I need to find balance between buying what we need right now and buying what we are going to need soon.

Meditate: I have to do this for my sanity. I am so preoccupied with the future that I have a very hard time settling down and just loving this minute I'm in. I know I am not alone; that many humans do this. I'm just trying to take control.

Tend my garden of friends around the globe: I do have a friend nearby who I neglected to mention last week in my funk. She's a mom of twins who are about the same age. Our schedules are a little different but close enough to make regular playdates work. I have some other good friends from this blog and my hope is to really build on those this year. I mean more than a blog post ... establishing friendships and maybe even, gasp!, talk on the phone!

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Here me roar!

Enough of that sad stuff around here ... getting up, dusting off and moving on. OK?

Now, this year is a big year for me. When I graduated from college, ehem, 11 years ago, I had goals. Yes, I had me some very big goals.

My main goal was to write for magazines.

But, to get published in magazines, I needed to have published clips. You know ... that lovely Catch-22 that plagues writers daily around the globe.

So, to get published, I thought I'd try freelancing for my local newspaper. In a meeting with the editor about that he offered me a job. A full-time job. Um, he wasn't even hiring. He saw something in me, he said later.

So, I became a reporter, and a pretty good one at that. I won awards. I climbed the reporting ranks and soon found my way to a bigger newspaper, where I would eventually meet Da!, also a newspaper person. It does take one to know one.

I quickly grew to love reporting and writing and uncovering people's stories. So many of those stories molded me into the person I am today, actually.

They led me to this peak where I stand daily with my personal beliefs on faith, spirituality, humanity, politics, economics, and sociology. To witness the things I did as a young woman, to sit down and grieve along side complete strangers whose relative or friend just died time and again taught me early about what matters most in life. More than the Bible could. More than any self-help book could. More than any preacher could.

I have built a life -- married a man and mothering two daughters -- made of principals built on the shoulders of real human beings who know tragedy, heartbreak, survival, discrimination, fear and contentment. Without those people -- all of them -- I would not be the person I am today.

Trust your marriage. Love. Follow your passions. Live for the here and the now because tomorrow IS NOT guaranteed. For God's sake, do not judge. Do not compare. Accept people's differences. Respect people's personal beliefs. Wear your seat belt. Don't speed. Don't drink and drive. Don't do drugs. Have faith in yourself.

Now, as 2008 calls out to us to start fresh, I will finally see my name in magazines. Not just one. Not just two -- but, a handful or more. These will be small bylines; hardly a blip in the national publishing scene.

But, they will be stepping stones for this next chapter in my life. I can't imagine whose shoulders I will lean on for guidance as I walk this new path.

Tomorrow: My writing resolutions for 2008.



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