Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Joy to the World

Dear Joy --

I lost you somewhere along the way. I lost sight of your face and the sound of your laugh. I gave way to the unauthentic kind of happiness that shows up in photographs and videos and blog posts and facebook status updates. I surrender. That joy is lost on me.

But, I am renewed.

I'm determined to find you again, to see your soul and feel your warmth. It might be snuggling with a good book on a Sunday afternoon while the girls sleep and the husband naps and the crockpot makes dinner. It might be dancing the morning away to a CD I love with the girls at my hips, shaking their booty along with me.

It might be dropping everything to just sit and be quiet and still. I think I need this joy most of all. The joy of no obligations, no responsibility, no to-do list and no, above all, NO pressure that I've placed on myself, this day, this moment.

Yes, joy, I'm all yours for the taking and I"m smiling as I tell you this. It's not about the perfect moment-to-be, it's about the moment that is right now here in front of me, at my fingertips, on my lips, whispering in my ears. Now. Now. Now.

I want to be your friend again, Joy. I want to know you like I knew my best friend in high school who I miss dearly. I want to feel your breath on my neck and I want to know that you are squishing deeply between my toes like the sand on the beaches of my youth.

Even as a mother, I must allow you, more than anything else, into my life. I must put you before the meal planning, the 40-hour work week, the gossip of others, the wants and desires of the future I dream of and even before my children on the days they are most cranky.

You are a wish I dream of every moment, of every day and yet I never even knew it. Until now. A little light sparkled in front of me and I followed it and I now realize what has been missing all along.

Joy, stay close. Hold my hand when times are tough. Stick by my side and hold me when I am weak. Hold me up when I am happy, too. You mean the world to me and to my family and I realize that now. My Joy is the difference between a good day and a great one. Why haven't I known this until now?

Whatever, it doesn't matter because I'm letting go of all guilt to make way for more joy. More joy in coffee mugs in the evenings, more joy in a wine glass in the bathub, more joy is cupcakes for breakfast and more joy in prepared foods to carve out more time for joys like writing, and creating, and ... dreaming on the stars.

Welcome, Joy! Welcome home. May you find enough peace here to stay forever.


Joy-filled.p.s. Happy Everything, everyone! I love you all.

Thank you for visiting today.

Please consider subscribing here:

Subscribe in a reader


Mary (MPJ) said...

Joy and love to you, Shawn. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mary!

workout mommy said...

I completely understand! I need to find more joy and less guilt!

i hope you and your family had a great holiday. :)