Wednesday, May 28, 2008

And, just who is she now?

Tonight I will sit in a crowded movie theater reconnecting with that woman I used to be.

Funny how this movie is hitting theaters right around the time I'm preparing for a change in my life.

Funny how life works out, friends keep reminding me.

I don't care how this story ends. I only care about the journey. Will the ending be perfect? Probably not. Life doesn't work that way. I am OK with that, even for myself.

My mind has been spinning lately with worries and anxieties as I prepare mentally, physically and emotionally to return to the working world and leave Jadyn and Liana in the care of others.

So much of this past year and a half has been a blur in that I really truly spent most of it in the trenches of motherhood, barely coming up for air of civility or even adult conversation except for on this blog or on other blogs.

Sure, much of me is still the same as I used to be -- I think. I've barely had time to feel what has changed and what hasn't. Life has been too chaotic to even be able to feel many emotions other than the ones directly related to mothering.

I know I rise early to try and feel organized; that I go to bed late to fit it all in. I write more than ever; fix my hair much less. I am much more patient on one hand and not nearly as patient as I used to be on the other. I want less stuff except for stuff for my daughters and then I can never have enough.

Would I have gone to watch this movie alone five years ago? Hell no. I would have had a gang of girlfriends with me, I'm sure.

That's how much I've changed; that I'm looking forward to sitting in that theater, alone, with no expectations for myself, or for the movie. Just me and my best friends on the big screen chilling, letting our stories unfold one after another. We've been through a lot, these characters and me. I imagine they've changed just as much as I have. Will I see it in the aging wrinkles on their face? Will they be as tired as I am? Probably not.

What I've learned most these last 2.5 years isn't so much how I've changed, but how much more I know about life, human connections and what is truly most important.

And, it ain't books or naps.

Thank you for visiting today.

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Shelli said...

You've come a long way, mama.

BizyLizy said...

Oh, I needed this post today!

I find myself entrenched in a spiritually healing book, browsing online articles, blogs, etc., prayerful meditations, all in an effort to find happiness and a sense of fulfilment at this strange and lonely juncture in my life.

And then, a quick drive to Sonic to snag a diet cherry limeade, and I am greeted by a lovely person of about 45 years old, bad teeth, and too much make-up. She hands me the drink, and maybe notices my wet eyes. Her face softens, and she smiles, saying only "Lady, you have a blessed day."

Her voice is the most sincere one I've heard in days, and my heart acknowledges the connection she made to me. I smile back, thanking her.

Truly thanking her...

Shannon said...

The journey and the people we share it with, you're right...these are the gems in life. Hope you enjoyed your "time out" with popcorn!

Eva said...

What did you think? I saw it with some friends last night (we all went out after putting kids to bed, and stayed out past minute!). I enjoyed it and was surprised I didn't even slightly nod off.

justagirl said...

I sometimes think of the me before my children and the me I am today and you are right is isn't how much we have changed but how much more we've learned about life.



ps the bath girls will be available on etsy especially for you.

bella said...

i'm going tomorrow!
And yes, I hear you, about realizing you don't are as much about the ending, just being really interested in the journey, the story being told in the days as they come.
can't wait to see you soon!