Thursday, May 15, 2008

My biggest challenge: Me


Motherhood gets in my way.

It's the biggest obstacle I've ever faced as a productive, independent woman. In the past, I've never let a single person or an idea prevent me from passing, from going through, going forward.

Ask me what I want now and I may not know. I want everything. And nothing. I want to do it all and nothing at all.

I want time for me. Time for the family. Time to get things done around the house.

I want to go places. Stay home. Stay in bed. Watch my girls run and play, freely.

I want to plan menus for the week, and get the groceries, all without missing a beat of "me time" or "family time."

I want to be at home, alone, and feel the comfort of my house without the screaming and the crying and the tugging on my legs. But I don't want to miss out on what happens when they go, wherever they go.

I want to exercise. I want to read. I want to run. I want to drink a glass of wine. I want to write.

I want to start scraping wallpaper off where a toddler tore it off. I want to tape that long piece back on and call it a day because, really, where would that fit in my day?

I want to eat as a family. I want to eat as a woman, as a wife, with two hands, with easy conversation, with music playing. I want to share traditional family meals.

I want to nap. I want to get work done. I want to shop. I want to sit and read magazines.

I want to upload photos and create new digital pages reflecting my daughters' growth. I want to sit and create different pages with my hands, with scissors, with love -- not with a mouse and a keyboard.

I want to be more organized and yet I can't keep up with the toys, the shredded paper, the wet clothes soaked in milk.

Maybe someday I'll get out of my own way.

I never knew I'd become my biggest obstacle, yet.

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21 comments:

Eva said...

And do you want to go to sleep before 2:14 AM? Just a thought =)

I hear you on all this. It's so hard to do and have everything the way you want. I imagine I will always feel behind, and always feel disorganized, for many years to come.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I love it, Shawn!

Jozet at Halushki said...

Wow. This is like a poem from my own heart and mind.

Sing it. Sing it out loud.

I'll be your chorus.

Karen said...

If it's any consolation, you are no trouble at all to me. You make me untroubled.

Candace & Anna said...

I feel the exact same way. When you find the solution please be sure to pass it on here!

By the way I left a little something for you over at my place!

justagirl said...

we all want to be superwoman...

It is a hard thing wanting to do it all and have it all but sometimes something has to give to fit it all into the day, week, year.

the hardest thing is when your girls become women themselves and want to do their own things, things you hadn't really planned in your head that they would do, have friends that you are not sure of, want to live far far away to do some degree in something that is completely foreign to you.

The hardest thing I guess is when your children start taking control of their own lives... a wonderful thing to watch but so very hard on the heart.

I love the picture of you, so pretty with all the falling blossoms, we have dead leaves everywhere at the moment.

Katherine

Shelli said...

Hmmmm, yes. I know these feelings so well. But I don't think it's YOU who is the problem. It is MOTHERHOOD itself.

Jena Strong said...

I'm with Shelli here. Why do we do that to ourselves as mothers, see ourselves as being in our own way? I think I wrote THOSE VERY WORDS today. And yet. I want all of this, too. Is there room for all that wanting, and still to be present (a practice I've drifted from and find myself coming home to lately)?

Thanks, Shawn.

RocketMom said...

I hear you! You speak my own thoughts.

Wishing you a path clear to see what is in front of you.

tlc said...

I am glad I made it here today to read this one...you have expressed it exactly how it is. I love it Shawn!

village mama said...

I zoomed up on the picture of you: beautiful lady you are!

Claudia said...

Motherhood is dichotomy. I'm still working through it all myself and I've been at it 10 years now. ;)

Michie said...

This was an awesome post. I really identify with it. :)

kat said...

i loved this post. and needed it today. may the weekend give you some breathing room. >^..^<

writermeeg said...

Publish this! Gee, taking a job has sure fired up your writing! Go with it, amiga! Moms everywhere will feel this in the gut.

marta said...

I've been in my own way all week. Then again, everyone else has been in my way too. But that's not nice to say, and what I want is to be nice and to have my own way from time to time.

I just don't know how to do that.

BizyLizy said...

Yes! Yes! Yes!

All of it! And can I have it yesterday, please??

Carey said...

Are we all going to meet at the top of the tallest mountain and yell that one? I'm in! :)

lesleysmeshly said...

Beautiful. There is never enough time for me, there is always too much time when it comes to crying twins.

Gwyn said...

Hello! You summed that up really well! I always find it ironic that the kids really get in my way of doing things but the things I want to do are usually for or about them (although reading a magazine in a cafe over a capuccino by myself would be nice too!)

Gwyn said...

Hello! You summed that up really well! I always find it ironic that the kids really get in my way of doing things but the things I want to do are usually for or about them (although reading a magazine in a cafe over a capuccino by myself would be nice too!)