Thursday, September 18, 2008

Rising up from the black hole

Besides reading and reviewing Patterson's new book, "The Dangerous Days of Daniel X," I'm starting to hit my working groove, I think.

I am no longer shrinking in the shadows. My name is slowly starting to creep back onto people's radars. I honestly feel like I have been living in a black hole in my own community.

People are sending me graduation pictures of their sons who four years ago were just leaving junior high school.

I've missed a lot of people's lives and they've missed a lot of mine but we're picking up the pieces as if I hadn't been holed up dealing with all babies, all the time for the last three years.

Our mornings and nights are still chaotic. I cry a lot in those times because they are not what I want them to be -- filled with sweet moments between two girls and their mommy. They are really quite the opposite and it's upsetting. It's been four weeks of "school" for them and I do see progress both with how they are falling into the routine and the loss of me, as well as with what they are learning.

When I'm busy at work, which is most of the time, I hardly have time to think about what I'm missing out on. But, those few moments in the day when I'm walking outside or driving, I have a minute to feel the grief inside my heart about being away from them for so long, for missing this part of their life.

When we finally reconnect, we hug a lot and we are giddy with joy. At least until we walk into the house and the crying begins. Why the crying at home? It's always been that way.

At night, when they need their blankets back on or a snuggle, I gladly hop up to do it, knowing it's my chance to get some peaceful time with them, breathe them in and feel their breath on my cheek.

It's not perfect and I can't imagine any working moms life being as such, but it's working. The job, the boss ... are very good. I'm finding my legs, again, as a smart, strong woman.

I'm still a mother, rising.

But there's a bit of that old Shawn rearing her energetic, passionate head -- the one who's always been on a mission to make the world a better place.

And, there could not be a better time to do this kind of work.

How about you? What's rising in your world right now?


justagirl said...

Hey Shawn

I am glad things are getting a little better, easier in your world.

Toddlers are funny things, I don't think we will ever understand what goes through their sweet little minds in those precious early years of being kids.

They often go from one extreme to another in a matter of a split second and you are left standing there wondering what the hell just happened?

creating a children's book is something that has been rising in me lately...

Anonymous said...

Eyes, up. Hope, flares. You sound good.

Jaina said...

The positive energy in your words makes me happy. I can't imagine how tough it is being away so much...but I know you can do are fantastic mother. The fact that you cry is a testament to how wonderful you are. I'm happy to hear that you are getting your feet underneath you again. Keep smiling.

LauraC said...

I am so happy to hear things are getting a little easier. And that old Shawn is making her way back into your daily life.

My boys often start fighting as soon as we walk in the door. I think all day they work so hard to follow rules, routines, and structure that they need release at the end of the day. Even that part of the craziness becomes routine and easier to deal with. But some days, I want to cry bc I look forward to seeing them all day and then they are crazy!

We always turn it around by bedtime when they ask for more hugs, more kisses, and tell me they love me. That makes it all better.

In my world, I have started training for a half-marathon to run with my sister in January. Our husbands committed to watching our kids every Saturday so we can accomplish this. I feel like this is a huge step in re-establishing myself as LauraC, not just a twin mom and a software employee.

kat said...

i loved this post. kinda got me right *here*. :) in so many ways, i identify with your journey and i'm always so gratful to visit here and be encouraged and inspired. keep your chin up.