Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The here and now -- PART ONE

When it comes to priorities, I think I've been good at handling the most important first. Several years ago, when The Da! and I first started co-habitating, the world was before us. Traveling was important. Fixing our suburban home was important. Going out to eat was very important.

When we bought our inner city home, we were freshly married and extremely busy working people. Yet, we had more time then than we do now. For the first two years in this home, we struggled with the "what ifs." What if I never get pregnant? What if we never need those spare bedrooms? What would we fill this house with, if not love for a baby?

All the emotional baggage that I held as an infertile woman limited this house's potential. It's a beautiful 1890s Colonial. Charm is everywhere. Clearly, when we bought it, we saw what it could be. All the ifs were in front of us.

If we take down the wallpaper, if we repaint the trim, if we add a garage ...

The truth is, ifs are just ifs.

Even as we struggled with getting pregnant, financial woes surrounded us. We've always been paying for something. First, the wedding and honeymoon. Then, fixing and selling the old house. Then, doctors visits and infertility drugs.

Then, it happened.

"You're pregnant," she said.

I smiled all day without being able to tell a soul. I draped a bib around the dog's neck and when The Da! came home he saw it, and he still needed to hear the words.

"I'm pregnant," I told him. And we cried. Or, maybe he cried. I was still in disbelief. Happy disbelief.

So, on we went with another nine months of planning for Baby. Or, as we learned six weeks later, paying for two babies.

It's only now that the girls are about to turn 18 months and I'm not working outside the home that I can actually begin to see the ifs again.

I'm not sure it's a good thing, seeing all the ifs floating before my eyes. I'm a What-If-kinda girl. What if I did this, what if we do that ... I live in the future, constantly trying to mold it into something better, bigger, easier.

Yet, as part of my mindful parenting philosophy, I spend most of my day living right here and now, in my imperfect home. I sit on the floor of our playroom, bringing toy after toy or instructing activity after activity, and I enjoy that part of my day most. Just being. Just living.

The dust collects, the clutter mounds, yet, I'm dealing with what's most important.

Right now.

Mindful parenting is a topic of which I'm very passionate about. Please stay tuned for some interesting posts related to this topic in the coming weeks.


Anonymous said...

What a happy ending, the only happy ending! You've come home!

Emmie (Better Make It A Double) said...

What a great topic. I have always had trouble living in the moment, and have always had to have big plans to keep me motivated. Having kids has been a real chance for me to just enjoy this time and put everything else aside also seeing the world through their eyes. After all, what else can you do sometimes? I do, however, look forward to certain milestones, like potty training completion....

lesleysmeshly said...

Knowing we will only have these two babies makes me want to live each moment to its fullest....but being a first time mom I can't wait for the next everything. I sometimes have a hard time balancing the two. Wonderful topic, wonderful post.

Candace & Anna said...

I have always had trouble looking to the future not the present! I love living in the moment with Anna I just have a hard time looking ahead to what is yet to come. Honestly I guess it scares a part of me. The here and now is safe and I know what is here but the future, well it is unpredictable. Maybe if I come here often enough I can learn to look to the future!