Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Full of venom -- a post I may regret

It's been one of those days.

It's been the kind of day that I honestly think to myself that I want to quit this job, this mothering thing. I fantasize how I can escape, how I can beat it.

It's been the kind of day I just want to curl up in a hotel room and sob and hide under the covers and dream of the days that didn't involve throw up and tantrums and half-hour naps and snotty noses and two toddlers crying for an hour straight for no apparent reason.

It's been one of those days when I wonder what I was thinking when I wanted children so badly. It's been one of those days when I wished I didn't have twins.

It's been one of those days when the venom inside me permeates so strongly that I can taste it in my mouth. I can feel it bubbling to the surface. And it all leads back to this: that my mother isn't here to help me. That she will never be here to help me. That she hasn't been here to help me since the first week we came home from the hospital.

I recently told her that I am at peace with this fact. And, every other week but this one, I am. But this has been the kind of week where patience wears thin after night after night of sleepless nights and endless bouts of crying. The pushing and pulling of two toddlers at my clothes, on my legs, in my hair ... the whines and cries of two toddlers in the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedrooms, the living room ... the tug of war over my cell phone, a stuffed animal, a curtain, a chair, a sticker.

It's the kind of week where I resent people. I resent them for not being here to help us. I resent them for missing out on nearly everything in my daughters' lives.

It's been the kind of week where I just want to give up, move far away and change my name and never speak to anyone ever again.

And, if we could sell this house, I might do just that. Not that that would help me get more sleep or help stop the crying -- unless, of course, I move to warm climate where winter and all of the germs it riles up is just a distant memory.


Jena Strong said...

Thanks for telling it like it is, Shawn. (Or at least like it is today.) I hope you don't regret this post - it's real, it's raw, it's so honest, and it landed square between my eyes.

xo Jena

Shelli said...

You should not regret this post. I wrote one like it, though perhaps not as "spirited" (for lack of a better word). You are being honest, and what mother does not go through this? I cannot say that I understand what it's like to have twins - my gosh, my hat is off to you! - but also, my mother is no help to me. She doesn't live near us, and even if she did, she wouldn't want to help much. The family that I do have near me help very little. In fact, my step-mother is the only one who helps, and she's so busy...well, you know the rest. Luckily I get by without them, but it can be frustrating. I think, what are we all missing by not spending more time together? Why can't someone volunteer to babysit for no reason other than to give me a break? Why do I have to ask?

LauraC said...

I truly appreciate the honesty of this post, the honesty of what it's really like to be a mother. It's good to know we all have those moments, although I am sorry that you are having a bad week.

I hope you find something to take away the venom taste - chocolate, wine, or maybe just spewing it out at us to listen.

Candace & Anna said...

I too feel your pain. I can't imagine what it would be like with twins some weeks (like this week) are hard enough with one. My mother and I hardly speak so she is absolutely NO help. My MIL is helpful but sometimes she creates more harm than good. You know with the giving in with everything and well just being a great grandma stuff.

Why don't you just move down here to GA and we can help each other! It is much warmer here maybe a bit to warm in the summer lol.

I hope your weekend is better than your week!

tlc said...

Hey Shawn,
Hang in there you strong spirited woman of many degrees! Somedays are going to go like this. It will make you enjoy the good times that much more. It has to be hard with the twins. I know how hard it is with two girls, not twins. I know you can do it. Our mothers decide to move on with their lives and it hurts. It seems like they have left you out to dry when they may contain the answers you so desperately need at the given time. It will all be okay. Never regret what you have to do to keep going. Never feel like you are not human when you are. I'm rooting for you. And if that doesn't work, I will drive up the way and lend a hand if you are in need. Let me get the germs out of me and I will come up if you would like! Love Ya Shawn...

Stacie said...

Is there something in the air? I had a rotten day today too, just rotten. Your post sums it up just about perfectly.

marta said...

I have only one and I've spent my fair share of time crying and wanting to quit. My mother died a long time ago, and knowing she'd help me sometimes makes the lost worse. My MIL means to be helpful, but...well, so it goes.

We all know it will pass and the fun of parenting is so close but so far. You're in our thoughts.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Ugh! I've had my share of those kinds of days. Being a mama is hard work. And I think winter makes it worse. Hugs, Shawn.

bella said...

Me too.
Same kind of week, desperate to find a way to run away, to leave, or else make "it" go away.
if and when you decide to move and leave it all behind, will you send me your forwarding address so I can come join you?

lesleysmeshly said...

Must be the week, because the crying, yelling, tantrum, non sleeping sick babies...we have them here too! And the warm weather isn't helping so don't get your hopes up.
I really hope the funk leaves and you can enjoy your girls again...just remember, it is only a moment and soon it will be gone.

village mama said...

Me three.

I've had about 8 play dates this week, everyone with two (though not twins) feels the same too.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It's terrible, because I feel this way too. So I know it sucks. That is why this week, 'the dad' and I had wine every single night, we normally only drink on the weekend, but this week, yeah, nightly drinks to ease the shot nerves.

I almost emailed you yesterday after I yelled until my throat hurt to ask if you'd felt the tremble over there. Yep, that's how loud I yelled because I can not take the 'mine' whine much longer. Oh my nerves.

Hang in there Shawn.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn,

It really must be in the air. I've had a terrible time of it this week - the worst week I've had since I became a Mom two and a half years ago. I googled "my toddler is getting on my nerves" today just in search of some help and I came across your blog. I'm so grateful I did.

Today, I fantasized for the first time of driving off and never looking back. I called my Mom (who lives cross country) in tears, saying I'd made a mistake, that I can't carry on being a Mom, that I can't take the whining another minute. My throat hurts from screaming at my toddler to stop whining. I know it's a bad way to handle it but I just finally snapped.

It is very comforting indeed to know I'm not alone. When I go out into the world and put on my happy Mommy face, it will be good to know I can come here and read the truth from you and other mothers of what it's really like to raise toddlers.

Wishing you lots of love.

From Greta