Monday, January 7, 2008

The Rising

This Friday, around 2 p.m., I will celebrate being a mom for two years. I am going to throw myself a small party during the girls' nap by watching my favorite TV show and drinking a cup of coffee with my mom's yummy biscotti.

I will spend a great deal of time thinking back over the past 24 months. I started new with practically everything in the last two years. With friends. With family. With socializing. With organization. With writing. With not writing. With living. With sleeping. With not sleeping.

Much like when I was in 7th grade and walked into the middle school gym as a new student, wearing my best jeans and spanking new Reeboks ... I have been awkward since becoming Mama. I've walked with my head low, my shoulders slumped and my hair in disarray.

But something has changed in the last few weeks. Something has changed in me. I am different, but in a good way. I am still Mama. I am still frazzled most of the time. But, I am walking more proudly. I feel lighter. I see more clearly.

I am practicing loving-kindness and not even willfully. It's just happening. Perhaps it is influenced by a wonderful book Dan gave me for Christmas called, "Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday," by Thich Nhat Hanh. Some parts of the book make me laugh out loud because it's very obvious this Zen Master hasn't raised twins. But, in spite of it all, his simple words are transcending me into mindfulness almost naturally. I can only assume it has to do with this book. I may be hooked on his wisdom.

I'm being less hard on myself and have caught myself saying the following to myself in times that might have otherwise left me feeling down (hopping on the scale) or negative (will I ever get to leave the house, again?):

"It will be all right."
"It will happen."
"You'll be OK."

I'm trying to be less hard on others as well. My expectations -- visions, really -- of what this life with children would be like was based on movies and novels, not reality. It has taken two years for me to realize it. I am learning that people give only what they can and I should not expect anything at all.

This inner peace could be happening because I'm waking up and meditating and doing yoga instead of rushing into my to-do lists. Perhaps it's because I've been off caffeine.

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- it's because I'm settling into my role as being a mother. Maybe I have found my voice. My self-confidence.

Maybe, I am a mother, Rising.

It could be, too, that I have found my village and see another on the horizon.

Thank you for visiting today.

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Shelli said...

You know, I think I can feel it in your words recently that you are becoming more peaceful. I wish you even more peace of mind, heart and soul.

PJ Hoover said...

This is great:
"It will be all right."
"It will happen."
"You'll be OK."

Love it! Thanks :)

Bugzmommy said...

I love reading your blog...I visit often and appreciate your 'realism.' I am a mommy of two...not twins...kiddos 5 years apart and my littlest one is turning two in a matter of weeks!

I love this always amazes me that we do have to work at things that sound like they should come naturally, I do anyway. I have to tell myself many times to slow down, don't stress, breathe.

I just wanted to comment because the post spoke to me.

Good work!

Shannon said...

You are blooming :-)

I've got this book next on my reading list, along with his other one "True Love" Time to make a book store run!

bella said...

I have sensed this in you, felt it, this rising you speak of. Clarity. Contentment. Peace. Lovingkindess.
I will be thinking of you this Friday, raising my cup of coffee in your honor.
Happy Birthday to you, to who you are and have become.
oh, and I'm hooked on him too. :)

village mama said...

Your voice is so strong. This is one of those posts you may want to remove so that you can submit it as original content to parenting magazines that publish inside back page personal essays. The title 'I am a mother, Rising' is soooooo powerful, it gives me goose bumps.

Bastet said...

Happy Birthday girls!

I remember saying
"It will be all right."
"It will happen."
"You'll be OK."

I still say that through the tantrums...