Thursday, November 8, 2007

Two-fers are the best!



From the beginning, I just knew it wasn't going to be easy to get pregnant. Everyone -- and I mean every single human being -- that knew it was off to a rough start told me, just relax, it will be OK.

Da! knows that the last thing anyone should ever say to me is relax (or take a deep breath or chill or anything of that nature) when I'm stewing over something.

Thinking that you can't get pregnant and have a baby is the worst feeling in the world. Much more worse than slaving over the hot stove for an hour just to have that food chewed and spit out of their little mouths.

After a couple months of Big Fat Negatives, I did begin to worry. We had already bought this house, a lovely 4 bedroom, 2 bath Colonial with a dingy white picket fence and a fabulous backyard for said children to run in.

A year later, I was a mess. It's never going to happen, I told him. He consoled. He said all the right things.

One treatment led to another treatment and as our bank account savings dwindled, so did our hopes.

One last try, we said.

Then the waiting from hell begins. Two weeks. Fourteen stinking days of wondering, waiting.

But, I just knew. About a week in, I started feeling different. Something was VERY different.

"I have this feeling I am," I told Da! over the best chips and salsa we know. "I can't explain it, but I just feel something."

"You're pregnant," she said on that quintessential 14th day.

*****

The room was cold, and I was nervous. I didn't want sextuplets. I didn't even want triplets. I wanted one healthy baby, but we discussed it and we would gladly accept no more than three.
"How do you feel about two?" she said.
Staring at images of two kidney beans, I cried for the first time since I learned that I was going to become a Mama.

*****

"You wanted this," I remember my mom telling me over the phone as I cried to her about how hard it was for me as a new mother.
"You should be happy," she said.
I never felt more guilt in all my life. I vowed to never complain about it again.
Because she was right.
Why wasn't I more happy? Why wasn't I good at this mothering thing? Why couldn't I just smile? Why couldn't I get them to stop crying?
I should be happy.

*****

I'm grateful for having twins. I would have been a different mother to just one.

I would still be working and juggling and watching the time pass all too quickly.

I would watch a lot of television instead of sitting on the floor, as I do often, managing the fights, the squabbles, and the toys that seem innocent, but can easily be used as weapons.

I would stay on the computer more as the child played instead of limiting that time to before they wake and while they are asleep.

I would spend more money because getting to the car, and driving to stores and navigating the mall with a single stroller would be easy. I'd never be home, actually.

I would assume that the picky eater is just picky because of the food I made instead of knowing that it's not that at all.

I would think that the child who throws temper tantrums every other minute is frustrated with me instead of realizing that is just her nature. She was born that way.

I would think that the quiet, more reserved child was ruined for life by me, an overwhelmed Mama -- because I didn't get her out of the house enough when really she was just born that way.

Mostly, though.

Mostly.

I wouldn't hear the sweet babbles of two babies saying, "Mama. Mama. Mama."

I could go on, but I won't.

I'm grateful to know that in a minute they will wake and we will have a great day.

I just know we will.



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11 comments:

LauraC said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. First, because I remember all the tears I shed as a new mom. Second, because your thoughts on being a twin mom resonate with me. As much as I didn't think I could handle it, I'm constantly amazed at how having twins had helped me grow into a much better mother, the one I always imagined I would be.

It's bittersweet having twins. Every age comes once and just once in a lifetime. But because I only get these things once, it's made me slow down, stop, and enjoy the ride.

Karen said...

I'm grateful that your babies have birthed a gifted, inspired and disciplined writer.

Shannon said...

I, too, felt guilty for being overwhelmed and crying a lot the first few months (we tried for 4 years, IVF finally worked) But, I swear, if someone would have said to me "you wanted this, you should be happy" they would have had two pacifiers shoved up their nose. :-)
You just don't know until you've been there, which is one of the reasons I love reading your blog...you are there.

bella said...

Oh this moved me so much.
Sometimes I think this is what I will miss most about having no more children, that I do not get that knowing you speak of, getting to see that what we take credit for and feel guilt for is really just who they were born to be. And yet hearing you write of this reminds me, helps me.
And sometimes, even the things we want most in this world bring us our greatest struggle.
I love your writing.
I love you.

Mama Zen said...

Oh, there's nothing worse than a well-meaning slap in the face like "you should be happy!" As if it's not possible to be happy and utterly miserable at the same time!

Shelli said...

My sister had difficulty getting pregnant, and then she had twins, and then a third child. Now they are outstanding college students! I can't believe it. Anyway, when they were little, I was a self-centered teenager, but now that I have a little boy of my own, I often think to myself, "How did she do it?!"

InTheFastLane said...

very sweet! Kids are such a blessing, but you sure can't be happy with them all the time. They really do change your life.

lesleysmeshly said...

Beautiful. You touched my heart with this post. If I could put it into words as well as you that is exactly what I would say. Infertility stinks....but what stinks even more is feeling guilty when you complain about bedrest, GD, swollen feet, sleep deprivation, sore cracked nips, etc. etc. after finally getting what you wanted most in life.

Jordan said...

Thank you so much for helping me to find some perspective.

If you'll excuse me, I gotta go get down on the floor to play with that boy!

Thanks for participating.

Phyllis Sommer said...

so lovely. i'm going to send it along to a friend who just had twins and can't actually believe that there are 2 of them! thanks.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I had that feeling I was pregnant as soon as I was pregnant too -- I just knew. And while, I don't have twins, I did cry at how hard it was going to be when I found I was pregnant with my daughter after a rough first year plus with my son... I wanted her, and yet, I worried I wouldn't have the strength to do it all. I guess I have just enough strength.