Monday, August 27, 2007

Everything's different now

As if a giant dinosaur was crashing, crashing, crashing toward us, I swept in and did what I had to do.

Is it a bee, a bug, will it hurt my baby's leg that it's heading toward?

With only a second to react, I chose to squash it.

As soon as I heard the crunch I knew I had done something terribly wrong.

You see, I've murdered many of bugs in my day. But, I'm a mom now. My job is to protect. I've done that before.

This bug didn't deserve to die, and my daughter didn't deserve to watch her mother step on it and crush it to death.

Afterward, I let my foot linger for a while while my brain decided how my mouth would explain this physical violence.

My girl just stared quizzically at my foot, wondering where the bug went, and pointing.

"Bug went bye-bye," I said, wincing inside as I grabbed her small hand and led her away.

*****

As soon as the straw of the juice box hit her lips, a smile fanned out across her face and she waved enthusiastically to her sister, then to me.

It's her way of expressing extreme gratitude.

A wave. A blown kiss. A gorgeous smile beaming from her hazel eyes.

*****

She had been crying steadily for a half hour right around midnight. Even as I held her she cried or moaned, as if in pain.

She clenched my left arm so tightly that I knew she needed me.

She looked up into my eyes, stared into them, and I knew she needed me.

She stopped crying, and breathed shallow and light. She nestled closer into me.

As I laid her down in her bed she rolled onto her belly and tucked her legs under her and moaned. When I patted her back she was quiet. When I stopped she moaned.

She needed me.

I was there.

******

There we were in one of those Big Box Stores. Me, with my coffee, my daughters in their double-wide stroller instead of a cart.

Walking, walking, walking down the aisles like we've done before, but not for a long time in the stroller.

Cat fight ensues. Poking, hitting, slapping, screaming, crying. And, then the real violence began when one knocked the other in the head with a toy.

All in the middle of the store.

Oh, no. I'm one of those moms now!

5 comments:

Mama Zen said...

I've done the bug thing.

"Oh, no! I can't believe I've murdered another creature right in front of my innocent child! What to say?"

Love this!

Candace & Anna said...

you are right you are one of "those moms". You are one that loves your daughters with all your heart and soul. You are one that has twins that I totally admire lol. There was a lady at the playground yesterday with triplets and I said I don't know how you do it lol. She said "do what, it is normal for me." I imagine you think the same way right?

bella said...

It is a transformative moment when you have those experiences of truly BEING there for your child.
My heart ached when I read your words.

Karen said...

The way you said it on my blog last night: "serve." Yes, that's it, and it is the only way to be wholly fulfilled. What a gift to me, too.

Momma Bean said...

And, isn't it a wonderful thing? I'm in the club too, and every event made me smile and think of my Beans. Just lovely.